when i'm in uncomfortable situations i make sure and give the 'kbs'*
*important: 'kbs' is 'knowing becca smile,' a reference to a little show called 'life goes on' featuring corky and patti lupone. becca, played by kellie martin, would inevitably flash the kbs at the end of every episode as a sort of signal to the audience that all trouble is far far away, and that giant red glasses are NOT a sign of mental retardation, further proven by the fact that corky had the eyes of a hawk.
anyway earlier i was sent to the 99.99999999% African-American campus law library of FAMU here in shiny orlando. being that, today, i am painfully aware how 'white' i am with my frosted hair and ugly pants and propensity to say 'like' at least thirty times in conversation, i was not on steady ground as i whitied myself all over the old and shabby chic building. i have a guilty conscience, aided by the fact that i just finished the slavery epic 'the known world' by edward p. jones (highlights include 'hobbling,' ear-cutting, murder...it was hilarious) and also by the fact that sometimes my boss and his wife tell racist jokes and since it takes too long to explain why they aren't funny and are a little gauche, i just laugh heartily along with them while simultaneously promising to cut them later. i employed the kbs at least ten times in my short visit. for example:
when the pretty black girl with the green pants kept passing by the copy room where i was for 45 minutes, sighing louder each time, i bestowed the closed-mouthed kbs included with the 'warm eyes' that gets them every time.
when a younger version of 'the fridge' huffed by me, i showed him my pearly whites (one of which was fitted snugly with a black sesame seed, i later discovered) followed by a professional head nod.
no matter. what we all realized at the end of it was that it is uncool to be white (and by white i mean the mentality of white-flaccid, mealy, unaccepting, bush) and that the new hipster trend invading the world has nothing to do with trucker hats or garage rock, but rather of compassion, respect, bling and the ability to inflict both fear and guilt on others.
i'd like to think i've learned something. and that is that i totally love the new kanye west song!
**disclaimer: i'm not racist, i just like to overcompensate. word.