Thursday, March 25, 2004

Chain of Tools

Richard Simmons just slapped a man at the airport. The man's offense, to deserve such an embarrassment? "Hey everybody. It's Richard Simmons. Let's drop our bags and rock to the '50s." I would like to think that if I were to catch the elusive Mr. Simmons in my sights I would come up with something much more titillating to shriek than obvious statements that ended in all periods. So, in the interest of lauding that "Hey, big nose!" scene from Roxanne, as well as offering my witty services to the slappee, here is a list of phrases that I would hope to employ were I to run into Mr. "Sweatin-to" himself:

"Hey, Crazy Hair!"

"Have you gained weight?"

"Why don't you come over here and feel this burn?"

"That's an ugly outfit."

"Let's make out. Why not? Are you gay?!"

"Hey everybody! It's Richard Simmons!"

"Are those hot pants you're wearing? Sick!"

"You're a true inspiration. Sike!"

"That's totally a fake tan and we all know it."

Unfortunately, it was not I in the encounter we will forever refer to as 'Simmonsgate.' Though, if it was me, I would like to think that I would take the higher road, and simply observe the guru of sweaty tears in nature. Enlightenment comes at a price, and whether that price be a bitchy slap or too many Krispy Kremes, it is always painful, but not often does it end in tear-stained matching shorts-set and thick white socks bunched around the ankle. We must preserve and revere this rare creature, as a pristine and functioning example of Always Funny.

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