Monday, February 27, 2006

The Morale Out Here Is Pretty Fuckin Low

When I was little I thought I could turn myself into Rainbow Brite. My dad had this friend who did magic tricks and he gave me a wand and told me to practice. Whenever I think of that my mind also jumps to a time very close to then when I told myself to pee my pants and did, just to see what it felt like. I peed in the white jumper with the shoulder ties that my mom made me, and then I put on a different jumper. She was mixing something in the silver bowl in the kitchen. I almost got away with it.

I'm always on the verge of being embarrassed, all the time. Self-inflicted. I think to myself, "Shh...don't do that. It'll end badly, most likely with you splayed at the bottom of some stairs with your own hair in your own mouth." And then I promptly do it anyway. Today I sat in the stairwell and read Moby Dick and a girl with a hat went down the stairs and five minutes later came back up the stairs. To preempt any sadness she may have felt at my situation, that being sitting in the corner of a dank stairwell with my coat still on reading about a whale that may or may not exist, and despite my father's voice in my head sterning "Calm down. You're just like your mother, chubby knees," I said, "I'm just reading!", as though she was about to ask, and smiled widely at her. I was automatically mortified and therefore I smiled wider. I'm pretty sure my face cracked and the purple of my gums was visible. She pursed and continued her trek upward. "I am awesome," I whispered to myself, as soon as she was safely out of the stairwell.

Whatever. Also today I stammered so hardcore in some taxpayer's face that I finally just laughed, closed my eyes, and pointed to where he needed to go. He went.

Lucero on my birthday. It's just a little bit of pain, you should turn and walk away.

I met a dog named Vinnie today. Perhaps Vinny. He's a boxer.

I had the talk with Lulu. She's old enough to know that boys are going to want to mount her. I told her to go with it, as she doesn't have any sexual organs anyway. Enjoy, I said. I could tell she knew what I was talking about and appreciated my frankness. I could also tell that she appreciated my fragrance, as I came home to a pair of my crumpled underwear in the middle of the living room, having been sundered by her tongue and paws. I'm still totally going to wear them. They're even more special, now.

On courage: "'I will have no man in my boat,' said Starbuck, 'who is not afraid of a whale.' By this, he seemed to mean, not only that the most reliable and useful courage was that which arises from the fair estimation of the encountered peril, but that an utterly fearless man is a far more dangerous comrade than a coward."

Exactly.

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