Monday, April 12, 2004

A Formal Complaint

There is nothing more I hate than people offering their theories about "What will happen next!" on any given series on HBO. I have noticed this phenomenon as of late with increasing shock and worry. The worst part about this disease is the sheer lunacy of the various hypotheses. I'm not going to mention any names, but I will set up a mock scenario that I must endure every single Monday morning:

Unnamed Human Being: Did you watch The Sopranos last night?

Me: (emerging from under my desk, where I have unsuccessfully been hiding) What? (at this point I bang my head on my lamp, accidentally on purpose, hoping to create a diversion and therefore escape)

UHB: I think Tony is actually a figment of Uncle Junior's imagination, and that Adriana is actually Jackie Jr. in drag, spying on the family for revenge.

Me: Jackie Jr. is dead. By the way, why did you spell out Junior at first and then abbreviate it? I'm just wondering, for continuity's sake. (Suddenly, I begin flapping my arms above my head and singing 'Xanadu,' a last desperate attempt at avoiding further discussion)

UHB: I was just on the HBO website, and I read the entire plot synopsis of last night's episode, and if you read it backwards it turns out to be Ancient Sumerian for the lost gospel of Thomas, which led me to the discovery that David Chase is the Lord Our Savior.

Me: (in the midst of a seizure caused by rolling my eyes too far back into my head) James Gandolfini is fat and bald.

UHB: Well, if you're going to be that way, then- (shoots my writhing body the bird and heads to his/her office to create a screen saver made entirely of HBO promos)

What is this new sickness? Why, when I have deadened my eyes and slackened my mouth into a frown, do you still come up to me and theorize? Also, when I flatly state that I do not agree that Carmela's favorite singer is Gordon Lightfoot (based on no evidence, I might add!) why do you push the issue? Please, in the interest of professional courtesy, stay in your area, and I will remain in mine. Plotting my own theories on when Dawn and Tim will begin a romance on The Office, but still in my own area. Thank you.

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