Friday, May 14, 2004

Already a Bad Case of the Mondays

Man makes huge mistake concerning the abuse of detainees by allied troops in POW prisons. Man steps down as a result of blunder. The masses are appeased by such a gesture, and a tiny sliver of time and space is preserved forever in grace and peace. No, I'm not referring to my old pal D-Rum, I'm speaking of the editor of the Daily Mirror. He resigned upon finding out photos published of British troops abusing POWs were fakes. That's what I call courage. Facing the firing squad with nothing but integrity, in order to preserve integrity. A round of golf claps, please.

Scarlett Johansson Crazy Watch Update: In Elle, she is quoted as saying that she and Benicio del Toro were indeed having "sex, or something" in the elevator of some hotel. Having sex with Hunter S. Thompson's lawyer isn't the crazy part, as he is sexy in that "Is that a cigarette butt in your tooth?" kind of way. No, no, the crazy part is the "or something" in Ms. Scarlett's sentence. This has led me to all sorts of scenarios, replacing the "or something" with a palpable activity: "We were having sex, or playing Hungry Hungry Hippos." "We were having sex, or Benicio was teaching me the Macarena." "We were having sex, or as my grandma says, flopping about like sloppy whores." Which is it, Scar-J?

Courtney Love: Past, Present, and Inevitable Future.

Why isn't anyone talking about Brandy's obvious nose job?

The beautiful friendship between Doritos and A.C. Slater has ended a mere two weeks after it began. He probably wouldn't stop calling her Mama.

I can't believe anybody actually cares about this crap.

Lindsay Lohan is to host the MTV Movie Awards. Let's hope she stays far away from the free junk food in the green room. The worst thing is that it will be filmed five days before it airs, giving MTV ample time to delete anything spontaneous and/or nudish which might have happened whilst taping. Awesome. Maybe after that there will be a giant marathon of Room Raiders.

Look at this guy's intense gang sign. Hahahahahaha. Thanks, Gawker.

Lastly, if you aren't registered to vote, please immediately walk to the nearest doorjamb and bang your head on it for the next four years, because that's what it'll be like if this administration isn't tossed out. There are NO excuses.

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